W is for What TO and What NOT to Say to a Loved One with a Mood Disorder
Choosing our words is important, now more than ever. And in our world, we need to be considerate of people and their mental health. After all, 20% of us struggle with mental illness in this country. And for those of us who do so on a daily basis, words matter very much, especially in a crisis.
What you say and what you don’t say are equally important.
It’s not always easy to know what to say to a loved one who is in the depths of despair or a manic phase, or a true breakdown. It’s just so very complicated. So I hope that by simplifying it a bit, it will help you and your loved one get over the hurdles in your way.
Let’s go.
Don’t say: Snap out of it! or Cheer up, it can’t be that bad.
Do say: Tell me what’s going on.
Just listen. Don’t try to fix everything. It’s often more important to just witness the situation.
Don’t say: Get out of bed, why are you so lazy?
Do say: Can I sit here with you awhile?
Just giving some attention to the situation can mean a lot to a person who doesn’t have the moxie to get out of bed. Just be there with them for a bit. Maybe bring them a cup of coffee, or watch an adorable animal video on youtube.
Don’t say: There’s nothing wrong with you.
Do say: I know this is serious, and I’ll try my best to help you.
Do not underestimate the power of mental health illnesses to truly immobilize and flatten a person. And you know that mental illnesses are REAL and ACTUAL illnesses, like diabetes or cancer. Keep that in mind.
Don’t say: You’re just being melodramatic.
Do say: I can see that you’re struggling, and I want to help.
Someone in the pit of a deep depression is not being melodramatic. They do often really feel like nobody loves them and they truly wish they were dead. That’s not drama. That’s their real life at that moment.
Don’t say: Stop overreacting, you’re so sensitive.
Do say: I’m sorry you feel so bad right now.
Accusing someone of overreacting is an inflammatory comment, and will not soothe the flames of pain your loved one is going through. Don’t tell a struggling loved one they’re too sensitive. That’s like putting out fire with gasoline. If the person in crisis could calm down, they would, so shut up and stop fucking telling me to be calm! (See what I did there?)
Don’t say: You’re depressed, again? But you were fine on the weekend.
Do say: It looks like you’re having a hard time. Do you want to talk?
The nature of mental illnesses is that they are constantly in flux. And while there may be some predictors to different aspects of each mood disorder, the one that’s the most difficult is not knowing how you will feel, or even who you are, when you wake up in the morning; Will it be Stable You? Happy You? Barely-Keeping-it-Together-You? We never really know. So please don’t try to be rational about the irrational. We do the best we can, but curve balls are part and parcel of mental illness.
Don’t say: But you have so much to be thankful for.
Do say: You are so loved and needed here on earth.
When you say the first sentence, it sounds like an accusation. Immediately, the person who is struggling with a mood disorder is going to feel guilty. They already KNOW they have good things in their life, and they feel like hell that they can’t appreciate them. Mental illness knows no bounds. It lies to you and tells you that you are nothing and that you have nothing and that you deserve nothing. Doing a gratitude practice is a great thing, but sometimes, to quote Liz Lemon, “Things are just the worst.” Adding guilt or shame on top of someone struggling isn’t helpful. Being loved and needed gives someone a reason to get up, to try, to live.
Finally, the most important thing you say, in my experience is this:
How can I help?
And then LISTEN to the answer. That is perhaps THE best phrase you can possibly use to help someone who’s in the depths of hideous mental anguish.
If a loved one asks you, the one struggling. this beautiful, open question, PLEASE ANSWER THEM. We all feel good when we help someone, and even if you don’t think you can be helped, just lower the bar. Ask for a mocha from Starbucks, or help with tidying up your house. Invite them to watch something on Netflix with you. Any little thing can go a long way in morale-boosting. For both of you, I might add.
It might mean sitting quietly next to them, baking them some muffins, taking a walk with them, calling or texting every day just to check in; emojis are welcome (at least, chez moi). There’s so much that you can do that isn’t a big deal and doesn’t require you to understand the specific form of suffering your loved one is facing.
Just be there.
Here’s the other penultimate thing to say:
I love you.
Say that a million times a day if you can. Make it so that it comes out of your mouth every time you see your loved one. Just say it. Sing it. Write it on a note. It helps. Feeling loved is extremely important, especially when someone is headed down the suicidal ideation road. I remember when I was in the hospital and my sister, who is a total badass and not verbal about affection (but is loyal and kind and huge-hearted) mailed me a photo of the two of us in happier times, and she wrote on the back of it, “We love you, we NEED you” and I can’t tell you how touched I was by that.
Not just touched. Strengthened.
Being needed is important, too. Very much so.
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to help make your loved one feel strong and loved and needed.
It will give you both strength.
