If you’ve got a mood disorder or love someone who has one, (or more than one) you’ve seen this, and it scares the shit out of all involved.
The Negative Spiral is a very unpleasant, difficult, and depressing event that can seem to last forever. The most important thing to remember? It doesn‘t.
But for now, let’s define it and see if we can find ways to handle it with love, patience, optimism, and actual strategies.
Okay, so, first of all and obviously, being in a Negative Spiral just plain sucks. It usually Involves crying, irritability, getting angry, lashing out, giving up hope and eventually falling into a massive, deep, dark pit that is virtually inescapable, and it seems it will go on and on forever. Which isn’t true, of course, because eventually, the Negative Spiral is over, and you’re back in recovery mode. Depressions come and depressions go, but when you’re in a Negative Spiral, you can only feel the ground give way under your feet, and then you are falling, and it’s too late to do much about it. And then you go numb.
So you feel horribly, while simultaneously feeling nothing at all. Your face starts to look like a zombie’s, because that’s how you feel. And you feel a little of that out of body experience. People are talking to you — as the Pink Floyd song, “Comfortably Numb” says — ”Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.” Do you know that feeling? Can you see it in your loved one? Dead eyes, gaping mouth, glazed stare. Those are the hallmarks of the numbness brought on by the Negative Spiral.
Those of you with mood disorders that involve depression (which so often likes to tag along with other mental illnesses, by the way — RUDE) don’t need a masterclass in feeling shitty. You get it. It’s all the worst.
Instead of more Debbie Downer descriptions, let’s use this piece is for those who are watching their loved ones spiral down. I present you with a few dos and don’ts that can help both of you navigate rocky seas. You will feel better to be doing something constructive, and your loved one will see that you care. It’s VERY important that you keep reminding your loved one that you care about them. And that you need them. I cannot stress this enough.
DON’T
- Ignore the situation. If you see things falling to shit, check in with your loved one. Don’t ignore it, as it will only get worse. It’s better to have a tough conversation early on in the depressed state than to get to the point where your loved one can’t even hear you because they’re so far gone into their pit of sadness.
- Try to talk the person out of their depression and numbness. It WON’T work. Seriously. There is so much well-meaning activity done by people who are simply trying to help their beleaguered loved ones. But remember this: Depression is not rational. So trying to talk someone rationally about their pain is pretty useless. You can’t beat it in a debate.
- Get angry at the depressed loved one. They are not doing this for attention, nor to scare you. They’re struggling. They’re sorry. You have no idea how sorry they are. Even though it’s not their fault.
- Cut off your loved one. Totally avoiding them is guaranteed to sink them deeper in the hole they’re already in. Ignorance is decidedly not bliss here. Please don’t push your loved one away when they’re struggling. It will only make everything worse for everyone.
- Dismiss your loved one’s symptoms. They are real. Just because there is no test for depression doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Brain chemistry fluctuations are real.
- Pawn them off on their doctor and walk away. Yes, going to the doctor is an excellent idea when a person is struggling with a mood disorder. But that’s not all there is to this. You need to get involved in the care of your loved one so you know what’s what. For example, do you know what meds they are taking? Do you have the number of their meds doctor? What would you do if they ended up in the hospital?
- Act super cheerful and dismissive of anything that’s actually happening. Denial is more than a river in Egypt. Acknowledgement is infinitely better than refusing to face the truth of the situation.
DO
- Listen: You don’t need to have the solution for any of this right away. More than anything, your loved one wants to be heard, which makes their pain get validated. Nobody likes to feel like they are losing their mind when they’re losing their mind. Nobody wants to be gaslit.
- Hug (or other contact): Physical touch is good for the ole brain chemistry. So by all means, hug, tap, sit next to, dance with, your suffering person. Even just a shoulder squeeze can help.
- Ask questions: How are you feeling? How can I help? Do you want to talk? Do you want a cup of tea? Can I just sit with you?
- Be there. Just knowing that someone is there to go to when mood symptoms are descending into agony, can help a person keep their head above water just a little bit.
- Push gently: Invite them to do low key activities. Keep on them with gentle and kind and funny reminders. Offer to pick them up to go out for coffee. It’s a lot harder to say no to a friend or family member who shows up at your house to pick you up than to say no in an email.
- Give them hope: Please remind them that depression lies (Jenny Lawson coined that impeccable term) and that they will see the other side of this pain eventually. It’s not easy.
- Make them an offer: I will come and get you and we’ll walk for an hour. If you’re up to it, we can go get lunch/ice cream/coffee..
- NEED them: Feeling needed is underrated. There is nothing quite like feeling like you are truly helping someone. It’s why parenting is so rewarding. And teaching. When a person is ill and they feel useless, being needed can pull them out of that sad pit of despair they’re in. I know that I rise to the occasion when my kids need me. It’s like when a mother lifts up a car that’s crushing her child. You just get amazing things done in that moment, and collapse later.
As the psychologist voiced by Anne Bancroft in “The Simpsons” says: It’s all a rich tapestry.
Print out this list, get on that rug and do what you need to do to help.
